Beautifully Broken, Alive in my Heart
by zeppx
Summary: Prequel to Sweet Tyranny, which you don't really need to read for this to make sense. Shows the difficult times Cas, Jimmy, Gabriel and Anna go through after leaving home and setting out on their own.
1. Chapter 1

Hey look, it's a prequel!

Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment and writing this and posting it when really I should be waiting. Obviously I'm not. I've been working on this a lot in bits and pieces and finally managed to finish this beginning. It was going to be different, the first chapter. From Gabriel's POV to show what happened beforehand, but I couldn't get it out right. Maybe another time and I'll shove it in somewhere.

Anyway! Here's the prequel, title is taken from _All That You Are_ by The Goo Goo Dolls. The song screams Dean/Cas at me every damn time I listen to it, so I recommend it to you guys.

Anywho, I hope you guys like this.

I'm nervous about it for some reason.

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><p>The sky was dark and ominous, thunder rumbled in the distance, it wasn't supposed to rain tonight but apparently, the weather channel had lied because it certainly looked like rain tonight. And of course, that was when the piece of shit car he was using would decide to stop working.<p>

Castiel kicked at the tire in front of him and shouted, "Shit!"

The sky decided to open up then with a bright flash of lighting and a loud bang of thunder that Castiel felt down into his bones. He kicked at the tire again, "Fuck!"

He wasn't one to usually curse, but for now it was helping him to feel a little bit better. Not much, but enough. He had no cell phone, since they were too expensive, he was twenty miles from home and Rachel had already closed up the store and left. He was the only one here, standing in the rain in a grocery store parking lot at two in the morning.

"Fuck my life! Fuck _everything_!" He kicked the tire one last time, slammed the door shut and snatched his bag from the ground. He locked the car door, he didn't know why, it was a piece of shit that wasn't running and there wasn't anything of value inside. There wasn't even a stereo. Castiel checked his pockets for any spare change, but he had none and there were no payphones around that he could see. It wasn't like it mattered anyway, none of his siblings would be able to come and get him since he had the car tonight and it was the only car they shared between them all.

Thursdays were his day to have the car since he had his shift at the grocery store _and_ his shift at the diner on these days. The grocery store was in the next town over while the diner was a few blocks from their apartment. If he started walking now he _might_be able to make it to his shift on time. Probably not, and then he would be fired and he was in no mood to have to start looking for another job. He would have to though, for his family he would have to.

With a sigh he shrugged his bag onto his shoulder, gave the tire one last kick, "I hate my life." And started walking.

Castiel made it to the diner five minutes before his shift started and only because he'd managed to hitch a ride with someone. That someone had offered Castiel fifty dollars for a blowjob, and Castiel had very briefly considered it since fifty dollars would feed everyone for a day and a half at least, but he knew Gabriel would not be pleased if he did. So he'd declined, gotten himself kicked out of the truck and had trekked the rest of the way to work in the rain.

By five, he was changed into jeans and a t-shirt, apron around his waist and nametag pinned to his chest. His hair was still wet and he was still shivering but he was in dry clothes now at least. His feet hurt and he winced at the thought of being on his feet all day after being on them all night and then walking a good chunk after that.

He had just turned nineteen years old and this was his life.

By eight, the original breakfast rush had passed and Castiel was dead on his feet. All he wanted to do was fall over into one of the booths and pass out. Instead, he filled himself another cup of coffee, gulped it down and winced when he heard the ding of the door opening, admitting another customer. He only had to wait five more minutes until Becca started her shift and he could take a break.

"Hey bro." Castiel felt himself smile a little as a little of the weight on his shoulders lifted. Gabriel usually came in on the days Castiel worked here before he would go off to his own job before heading to his afternoon/evening classes at the college.

"Morning Gabe." Castiel plucked an empty cup from the shelf in front of him and the fresher pot of coffee and set it in front of his brother who was sitting at the counter.

Gabriel stared up at him while Castiel filled his cup, "You look like shit bro."

"I'm fine."

"Uh-huh. Where's the car? I didn't see it in the lot."

"I'll tell you on my break, it's in five minutes. You want the usual?" Gabriel nodded and Castiel scribbled it down onto his pad before moving towards the kitchen to hand the order over. He busied himself for those five minutes by clearing off the tables and collecting his tips.

"Go take your break Cas, I got this." Castiel looked over to Becca, hesitated then nodded. Castiel went and nearly collapsed onto the empty stool beside his brother.

"When was the last time you ate bro?" Gabriel asked, staring at him from the corner of his eye. Castiel eyed the plate of pancakes, eggs and bacon sitting in front of his brother and said, "Last night." It was a clear lie, but Gabriel didn't need to know Castiel had gone two days without food since he'd given what little money he had to Anna and Jimmy so they would be able to get themselves lunch.

"Liar." Castiel rolled his eyes at Gabriel but didn't say anything. Gabriel sighed, lifted one pancake from his plate and onto an empty one, along with a slice of bacon and half his eggs. He pushed the plate in front of Castiel and said, "Eat."

"No Gabriel, you need it more than I do." Castiel made to shove the plate back but Gabriel growled out, "_Eat_before I fucking shove it down your throat."

Castiel snatched the fork offered to him, poured some syrup over everything and went about eating.

"And what's this 'you need it more than I do' bullshit?"

Castiel ignored him and asked instead, "Anna make it to school?"

"Yeah Cas. Jimmy did too. You don't have to worry about that you know." Castiel shrugged and shoveled some more eggs into his mouth. His stomach had felt like it was going to eat itself so actually having something to digest felt marvelous.

Gabriel watched him in silence then asked, "So, what happened with the car?"

"Piece of shit died on me."

A long silence while Castiel polished off the pancake and bacon, then, "So how the hell did you get here?"

"I walked. And hitched."

"Jesus Cas, that's twenty miles! And you hitched? They could have been a psycho axe murderer!"

Castiel stole some of Gabriel's over sweet coffee, "Well, he did offer me fifty bucks for a blowjob."

"Please tell me you didn't…"

"Don't worry Gabe, I didn't. I considered but then I remembered you wouldn't be too pleased." Castiel let out a surprised grunt as he was pulled sideways and into a rare hug from his older brother, "Don't you _ever_ do that Cas. _Ever_. No matter how desperate we get don't you dare do something like that. You understand?"

Castiel nodded, patted his brothers back awkwardly and looked over when he was released, "I had no other way to get here Gabriel. It's not like I could have called you for a ride, buses don't run that late at night. If I missed today here I would be fired and then we would truly be fucked. I had no choice."

"I know Cassie," Gabriel rested his hand on Castiel's shoulder and whispered, "It should be me working two jobs. You should be in college with Jimmy. God, you had offers to go to all those fancy ivy league places. Instead you're working in a diner and a fucking _grocery store_."

"No Gabe, you're too close to finishing your degree. I'll get my turn at college when Anna graduates. This isn't permanent remember?"

"I know but-"

"Don't need your guilt Gabriel. We just need to suck it up, deal with it and work through it. Okay?"

Gabriel sighed, looking down and away from Castiel before mumbling, "Yeah."

"I need to get back to work. And you need to go, or you'll be late." Gabriel nodded and they both stood. Gabriel paid for his meal, the only reason any of Castiel's siblings ate here was because it was cheap to begin with and they received an employee discount from Castiel to make it even cheaper.

Castiel noted that the money Gabriel handed over was the last of the money in his wallet so he dug the money he'd gotten from tips and shoved it into Gabriel's hands, "Here."

"No, Cassie."

"Fucking take it Gabriel. You'll need to eat before you go to class." Gabriel glared but took it since he knew Castiel would just keep it and slip it into his wallet later that night when Gabriel got home.

"We're going to talk about this self-starvation thing you're doing when I get home tonight Cas. And I'll worry about the damn car!" Castiel rolled his eyes, waved his brother off and went back to work.

When three o'clock rolled around Castiel was amazed he managed to get on the right bus for home, and even more amazed that he somehow managed to get the front door to the apartment open. It always required a hard shove or pull to open and Castiel had zero energy to do any such thing.

He stumbled into the small bedroom he shared with Anna and Jimmy and was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

When he jerked awake some time later his head was pillowed on something that wasn't his pillow, fingers were carding through his hair and someone was lying against his other side, their own head on his back.

"Shh Cassie, it was just a dream." Castiel blinked, his nightmares of his father and Michael were lessening, but they still bothered him sometimes. Castiel sighed, rubbed his cheek against the warm cotton of Jimmy's chest, still more asleep than awake and asked, "What time is it?"

"Nine." Six hours of sleep, better than usual at least. Jimmy set aside the book he'd been reading and rested his hand on the back of Castiel's neck, "I didn't know you were still having nightmares."

Castiel sighed, closed his eyes and pressed himself closer to the warmth of Jimmy's body, Anna grumbled in her sleep from where she was behind Castiel but didn't wake.

"Nothing new. Nothing to do about them anyway." Castiel mumbled, absently plucking at the hem of Jimmy's shirt.

"I know. Wish there was though." Castiel grunted and Jimmy went back to his reading and running his fingers through Castiel's hair. Castiel continued laying there, eyes closed, Jimmy in front of him, Anna behind.

Why did he still have to dream of Michael's cold eyes and his father's fists and voice? They had been on their own for a year now after two years of beatings and camps, of being told he was _sick_ and they would _fix him_. Finally moving on to tell him was diseased and worthless, that he was not their son or their brother, that he was damaged. He couldn't understand how he was the damaged one, he was as God had made him, surely God didn't care who he loved or how he loved them.

Castiel grunted when Jimmy flicked his ear, "Quit thinking about them. You're bringing me down." He nuzzled into his brothers chest and mumbled his apology. Jimmy sighed, tossed his book aside and shifted down until he was face to face with Castiel; their foreheads pressed together, legs tangled.

"There's nothing wrong with you Cas." Castiel nodded and he felt Anna shift, she rolled onto her side, pressed her face against the back of Castiel's neck and threw her arm over his waist, "You're perfect as you are Cassie." Castiel patted her hand in thanks.

"You don't need them. You've got me and Gabriel and Anna. We're all you need; we love you just as you are. You're perfect." Castiel ducked his head down and pressed his cheek to Jimmy's chest, the sound of his twin's heartbeat soothing his frayed nerves and worried mind.

"What Jimmy said." Anna muttered, her arm tightening over Castiel's waist. Castiel chuckled and let himself drift again, the weight and warmth of his two siblings keeping him grounded.


	2. Chapter 2

Probably a bit of a short chapter. I've been in some kind of funk lately that hasn't been allowing me to write _at all_ which is highly freakin' annoying.

But, anyway, when I forced myself to write something it turned out to be this, so...well...not what I need to write but here it is anyway! Hooray!

Enjoy!

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><p>Castiel woke up in the morning with his nose stuffed up beyond all belief and the day he'd already been dreading became even more unbearable to think about. Jimmy and Anna were still sleeping soundly; Jimmy curled up behind Castiel, their backs pressed together while Anna was on the verge of falling off her bed.<p>

With a sigh Castiel hauled himself upright and slipped from the bed, he tucked the blankets back in around his twin and moved across the small room to get Anna situated back in her bed. He could hear Gabriel moving around in the living room, so he went out to greet him and see if there was anything that could be put together for breakfast.

"You still look like shit." Gabriel said in lieu of his typical good morning greeting. Castiel grunted at him, eyed the old coffee maker on the counter and tried to recall if there was any coffee left.

"There's some coffee left, I'll make it, you sit down before you fall down." Castiel grunted again and fell onto the couch, wincing when the errant spring in the middle cushion dug into his ass. He arranged the blankets Gabriel used and fluffed the pillow before settling back against the cushions, staring up at the ceiling.

"I think today it looks like an elephant." Gabriel said, coming to stand behind him while the coffee brewed. Castiel hummed, squinted at the water stain over his head, it was a common game between the four of them. The water stain had been growing and changing shape ever since they'd moved in and they'd taken it upon themselves to try to identify what it looked like when they were bored enough.

"I think it looks like a hippo."

"Hippo, elephant. Same thing." Castiel scowled and opened his mouth to object because there was no way they were the same thing. Gabriel chuckled though, ruffled Castiel's hair and headed back over to the kitchen, leaving Castiel to stare up at the water stain and wonder if it was his brain trying to leak out of his nostrils.

Gabriel returned a few minutes later with two cups of coffee and the iPod Jimmy had won a month earlier in a contest the school had held. The four of them took turns in using it since Jimmy insisted on it, which Castiel was grateful for, having something to listen to while he was on his breaks did wonders to help relax him.

They each had their own playlists on it, Castiel's consisted mostly of Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, Led Zeppelin and various other artists that were from that era, sometimes he would listen to Jimmy's playlist which had more modern rock but he avoided Gabriel's and Anna's unless he was in the mood for pop or dance music, which was rare.

"Thanks." Gabriel nodded and plopped on the couch next to Castiel, handing over the coffee next. Castiel took a grateful sip, sighed and closed his eyes. The longer he was awake the more horrible he felt, his head was steadily throbbing in time to his heartbeat, he couldn't breathe through his nose and his throat hurt like a bitch.

"You feelin' okay?" Gabriel asked quietly. Castiel simply nodded, finished off his coffee and leaned back again, trying to gather himself to get up and shower and get ready for work.

They were silent for another few minutes, Castiel was on the verge of dropping off into sleep again when Gabriel finally spoke up, "So I've got a friend of mine, from class, towing the car to a shop for us. He's not going to charge us for it, and one of _his_ friends is gonna look it over and see what's wrong with it. We can decide what to do about it from there."

"'Kay." Castiel would have to take a bus tomorrow to work, hopefully Rachel would give him a ride home afterwards, they worked the same shift but driving here would be a little out of her way. Hopefully she'd do it anyway.

Castiel jumped when Gabriel's cool hand rested on his forehead, "Feels like you're running a bit of a fever there bro."

Castiel swatted the hand away and stood, "'M'fine. I have to get ready."

"Maybe you should call in sick."

"You know I can't Gabe. I'll take an Advil or something, I'll be fine." Gabriel sighed and took their cups into the kitchen while Castiel hauled himself up off the couch and headed for the bathroom to get ready for his shift at the diner.

By the time he'd finished in the bathroom both Anna and Jimmy were up and stumbling around the apartment. Castiel gave Anna a quick hug in passing before she disappeared into the bathroom and he went on his way, searching for his shoes while he sniffled and coughed.

"That doesn't sound promising." Castiel looked up at Jimmy, shrugged and sniffed again. He had the urge to sneeze, but naturally, no sneeze was forthcoming. Leaving him with the feeling of his nose being overstuffed and producing more snot than he was capable of containing. The steam from the shower had helped clear everything out, but now it was all filling back up again.

"Maybe you should stay home." Jimmy said as Castiel discovered one of his shoes half shoved under the couch and the other on the windowsill. He wasn't even going to wonder how they'd ended up like that.

"Don't even bother trying to talk him out of it," Gabriel said, coming to stand behind Jimmy as Castiel collapsed onto the couch and pulled his shoes on, "I already tried. Didn't work."

"C'mon Cassie, you're getting sick. Stay home." Castiel shook his head and avoided looking at his twin, knowing those blue eyes that he himself put to use as a powerful persuasion method were being used against him at that moment.

Castiel finished tying his shoes, grabbed his messenger bag that held a change of clothes, his work things, a book, and his sketchpad and headed for the front door.

Jimmy stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, "Cas…just…be careful okay? If you get too sick just ask to come home. They like you at the diner; they'll give you some time off if you need it."

"I'll be fine Jimmy."

"Yeah, well…your definition of 'fine' is different from mine. You'd say you were fine if you had your guts hanging out of your stomach."

Castiel smiled, patted Jimmy on the shoulder, "Exactly…so I'll be fine. It's just a cold Jimmy." Jimmy rolled his eyes but he let Castiel slip out of the front door. Castiel popped the earbuds for the iPod into his ears, letting Eric Clapton's _Knockin' on Heaven's Door_ accompany him to the bus stop.

A week later, he was really regretting the words 'just a cold'.

He woke as usual, back to back with Jimmy, gaze immediately focusing on Anna who was once again on the verge of falling out of her bed. Instead of getting up though, like usual, he groaned and pulled the blankets up over his head.

The cold he'd been sporting all week had started to fade, but it had left him with an annoying cough that wouldn't go away and the small fever he'd been sporting for the entire week, seemed to have _exploded_. He _ached_ everywhere, he was cold and shivering, his throat was on fire and he was just plain exhausted.

Come to think of it, he was always freakin' exhausted, but he'd figured it was due to the double shifts he'd pulled that week, nothing out of the ordinary. This though, even after sleeping a solid five hours he was still tired, felt like he hadn't slept at all.

A cough worked up out of him again, despite trying to hold it in so as not to wake his siblings, but it just kept coming and coming until he was gasping into his pillow for air. He felt Jimmy stretch beside him, felt his twin roll over and a cool hand resting on the side of his neck.

"Cas you need to…holy shit Cas you're burning up dude."

"Always said I was the hotter one." Castiel mumbled, grinning up at the face Jimmy was making at him. When had Jimmy moved anyway? He'd been lying beside Castiel a minute before, now he was on front of him, kneeling on the floor.

"I'm getting Gabriel."

"No," Castiel's hand shot out from underneath the blankets and grabbed hold of Jimmy's wrist, "Let 'im sleep. M'fine."

"Bullshit you're fine. You're burning up and that cough sounds like it's killing you." The cough _felt _like it was killing him.

Jimmy pulled his wrist free from Castiel's grip as another coughing spell took over Castiel, "I'm getting Gabriel. Don't move." Like he'd be able to move anyway, he could hardly get a proper breath in there between the coughs.

A moment later Gabriel was there in front of him, hand resting against Castiel's forehead, "Hey Cas, what's all this nonsense of Jimmy telling me you're dying?"

"He's being a drama queen, I'm fine. Now help me up, I gotta go to work."

"Uh-huh. Jimmy go see if you can find the thermometer. Tell you what Cas, if your fever is under a hundred I'll let you go to work, otherwise you're staying here in bed."

Castiel grunted, pushed Gabriel's hand away and pulled the blankets up over his head grumbling, "Your face."

"Yeah, yeah, you're the snark master. C'mon…lift up and open up." Castiel did so, allowed the thermometer to be shoved into his mouth. They waited for it to beep and Castiel cast his gaze over to his sister, wondering how she could sleep through all of this.

The thermometer beeped, Gabriel removed it and nodded, "One-oh-three. You're staying home Cassie."

Castiel scoffed, grabbed the hand that was holding the thermometer and dragged it over to see for himself. He squinted at it, closed one eye to bring it all into focus and said, "You're full of shit. That says one-oh-two point eight."

"I rounded up smartass. Either way that's not under a hundred, you're staying home." Castiel grunted and curled back up under the blankets. He'd get up in a few more minutes before getting up to get ready, there was no way he was going to miss work, not when bills were due next week.

He'd just close his eyes for a bit.

When he opened his eyes again it was to Anna smiling down at him, when had she gotten up and gotten ready for school? He hadn't even _heard_ her. She smiled again, brushed the hair from his forehead, "Feel better okay Cas?"

"Mmhmm." She leaned down and kissed his forehead, "I mean it. Feel better." He nodded and she turned and left the room which was quickly filled with Gabriel's presence.

"Good, you're awake. Drink this." He held a cup out that was fizzing slightly.

Castiel eyed it warily and asked, "What is it?"

"Alka-Seltzer."

"Fuck off, I'm not drinking it. Shit is nasty."

"You've got a mouth like a sailor when you're sick. Did you know that?" Gabriel tugged the blankets down from around Castiel and hauled him into a sitting position, thrusting the cup on him once more. Castiel scowled, shivered and turned away from the cup.

"I will hold your nose shut and force it down your throat if you don't drink it." Castiel sighed and took the cup; he knew Gabriel would do as he said. He'd had a job at a vet's clinic a few years back and he'd gotten ridiculously good at shoving medicine down unwilling animal's throats. Castiel made a face and gulped it down, gagging a little at the taste.

Gabriel took the cup when Castiel was done with it, allowed Castiel to curl up again and moved to lie on the bed beside him. In the back of his mind, Castiel remembered it was one of Gabriel's days off today, which he was glad for, he didn't want to suffer alone.

"So, how you feeling?" Gabriel asked when they were both settled down.

"Like I've been run over by a steam roller." Castiel coughed again, burying his face in his pillow while he did. When he managed to come up for air again Gabriel was frowning at him, "I don't like the sound of that cough."

"I don't like the _feel_ of that cough."

Another frown and Gabriel was sitting up again, "Tell me how you feel."

"Already told you dumbass. Like I've been hit by a semi full of cow shit."

"One, that's not what you said. Two, seriously Cas, tell me how you feel and before you're a smartass again, I mean physically not emotionally."

Castiel sighed and took stock of his body, "Achy, tired, sneezy, coughy…think I could be my own seven dwarfs here."

"Seriously Cassie."

"I dunno Gabe. I feel like shit okay? I ache everywhere, I'm fucking _cold_, I feel like I can't breathe, I'm exhausted and my throat hurts and this fucking cough is annoying."

"Alright. Get some rest okay? I'll be here when you wake up." Castiel sighed, nodded and pulled the blankets up to his nose. He closed his eyes not thinking he'd be able to sleep with how much he'd been coughing, but he was out like a light a few minutes later.


End file.
